Vancouver Island from Willingdon Beach

If the title and the image don’t speak for themselves on this one, I don’t think I can help you. That said, this is a blog – not twitter or instagram, so I feel compelled to put in a paragraph or two.

What do I have to say for myself?

Beach

I’m not feeling very well these days. I have to admit, though I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, these last few months have been much heavier and harder than I’m used to.

At first I thought it was the Winter, but that’s well over – and though my employment hasn’t been steady lately, I’ve managed to make it through this year so far. That said, each month feels like a gamble now – and I’m getting used to living with less and less.

I don’t like that I’m getting used to it.

I’d fight battles and win them, but now they’re coming up as draws; and though battles are being won, I think I’m losing the war here. It’s dawning on me now that I’ve spent so many of my years fighting  that I’ve missed out on a great many other things in life while I was busy surviving behind a shield.

Today I think I won something. I woke up at the bottom of the ocean, but I stood up and went out into the sunlit forest, down through the trails to the beach and came back with the above drawing.

I’ve also admitted all of this in public air; which feels shameful even as I write it. It’s still a win.

What perhaps were funny quirks in my twenties are now threatening to strangle me right out in my thirties. I don’t know how help is sought, but I’m working myself up to seek it out now. Meanwhile, I’ll keep drawing, painting, writing, and trying to make an honest dollar out of all of it somehow.

Next time I won’t be so maudlin. Unless I am; but if I am, I’m going to make art out of it.

How?

There are a great many metaphors and images that I’ve collected over time in attempts to describe what this feels like. I’ve thought about drawing them one by one until I have enough to fill a book.

Meanwhile, though, I’ve got this island mountainscape. It took the scorch out of my brain for a couple of hours to draw it, and soon, I’ll return to bigger, more elaborate works.

 

 

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